List of The Simpsons Songs
For all songs of The Simpsons in launching order, with the notable exception of There's A Simpsons Guy. There's A Simpsons Guy There's A Simpsons Guy is the series' main theme song beginning as of 1999 episodes, remplazing the original theme and the couch gags. TV version Marge: ♪ It seems today That all you see ♪ ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ Homer: ♪ But where are those good old fashioned values ♪ Family: ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ ♪Lucky there's a Simpsons Guy ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us ♪ Stewie: Laugh and cry! Family: ♪ There's... a.. Simp..sons... Guy! ♪ Extended version Marge:♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV, ♪ Homer: ♪ But where are those good old fashioned values ♪ ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ Brian: ♪ It used to be, a big time star ♪ ♪ Was elegant as Garbo or Hedy Lamarr, ♪ Stewie: ♪ But now we get whores like Jenny Lopez— ♪ ♪ You want to curl up and die! ♪ Chorus: ♪ Lucky there’s a Simpsons Guy! ♪ ♪ Lucky there’s a man who positively can do All the things that make us ♪ Stewie: ♪ Laugh and cry! ♪ Chorus: ♪ There’s a Simpsons Guy! ♪ Marge: ♪ When I was young, the songs were fair, ♪ ♪ With Mr. Johnny Mathis and Sonny and Cher, ♪ Homer: ♪ But now we get Justin Timber-homo. ♪ Marge: ♪ Oh how’d it all go awry? ♪ Chorus: ♪ So awry! ♪ Brian: ♪ The classic films were works of art; The images were graceful; the stories were smart, ♪ Stewie: ♪ But now we get Matrix Revolution ♪ I’m sorry, I know this doesn’t rhyme, but what the hell were you Wachowski brothers thinking? Chorus: ♪ Lucky there’s a Simpsons Guy! ♪ ♪ Lucky there’s a fella sweeter than vanilla, ♪ Wholesome as a piece of ♪ Stewie: ♪ Apple pie! ♪ Chorus: ♪ There's a Simpsons Guy! ♪ Marge: ♪ His smile’s a simple delight. ♪ Bart: ♪ He lets me see the boobies on the internet sites. ♪ Marge: Homer! Lisa: ♪ He bought me my cute little hat! ♪ Brian: ♪ Yeah, we should have a talk about that. ♪ Chorus: ♪ About that! ♪ ♪And his hat! ♪ {Instrumental} Brian: ♪ He’s mastered the comedy arts. ♪ Stewie: ♪ He says, “Look out Hiroshima,” then casually farts. ♪ Marge: ♪ He’s loaded with sexy appeal. ♪ Homer: ♪ And best of all my titties are real! ♪ ♪ Have a feel… ♪ Brian: No, thank you. Stewie: I gave at the office. Marge: ♪ The Brady Bunch has got their Mike, ♪ ♪ And pretty Laura Petrie has Dickie van Dyke. ♪ ♪ But who around here could fill those loafers? ♪ Chorus: ♪ Well, here’s a happy reply. ♪ ♪ Lucky there’s a Simpsons Guy! ♪ ♪ Lucky there’s a man who positively can do ♪ All the things that make us ♪ Stewie: ♪ Laugh and cry! ♪ Chorus: ♪ There’s...a...Simp..sons...Guy! ♪ ♪ There's...a...Simp...sons...Guy! ♪ Can't Touch Me "Can't Touch Me" is a song sung by Homer Simpson in "E. Homerbus Unum". It is a parody of the MC Hammer song "U Can't Touch This", first released on February 20, 1990 on the album Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em. The original song is referred to during the song, claiming Hammer can't sue for copyright infringement. Police Officer: Hey, that's against the law! (Grabbing Homer's arm). You're coming with me. Homer: (Homer pulls his hand out of the officer's grasp). Ah ah ah! Can't touch me! Can't touch me! Ju-ju-ju-ju-just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2, I've got diplomatic immunity, so Hammer you can't sue. Points to MC Hammer and then graffitis on a wall "Homoria 4-Ever" Homer: I can write graffiti, even jaywalk in the street! I can riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat! Can't touch me! Can't touch me! Adam West: What in God's name is he doing? Homer (dancing): Can't touch me! Cleveland: I believe that's the worm. Homer: STOP! Homer Time! I'm a big shot! There's no doubt! Light a fire then pee it out! Don't like it, kiss my rump! Just for a minute let's all do the bump. Everybody does the bump Homer: Can't touch me, Yeah, do the Homer Simpson bump! Can't touch me! I'm Presidential Homer! Interns think I'm hot! Don't care if you're handicapped! I'll still park in your spot! (Ties Joe to a back of the truck with chains) I've been around the world from Hartford to Back Bay! It's Homer, Go Homer, MC Peter, Yo Homer! Let's see Regis rap this way! Can't touch me! The song ends. A police officer is writing a ticket. Homer to woman: Except for you, you can touch me. I Love to Singa "I Love to Singa" is a song sang by Bart Simpson, directly taken from the Looney Tunes character Owl Jolson. I love to sing-a About the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a, I love to sing-a, About a sky of blue-a, or a tea for two-a, Anything-a with a swing-a to an "I love you-a," I love to, I love to sing! Give me a song-a About a son-a gun that went and done her wrong-a. But keep it clean-a, With a cottage small-a by a waterfall-a, Any sob-a that will throb-a to a bluebird's call-a, I love, I love to sing! I was born a singin' fool-a, Lah-de-dah! Ol' Major Bowes is gonna spot me, Got through Yale with boula-boula, Lah-de-dah! Old microphone's got me! I love to sing-a, I love to wake up with the south-a in my mouth-a, And wave a flag-a, With a cheer for Uncle Sammy and another for my mammy, I love to sing! The swingin'est, Hot singin'est, Bell-ringin'est, Song singin'est High tootin'est, Sky tootin'est, I love to sing! Road to Rhode Island Road to Rhode Island is a song sung by Brian and Stewie Simpson in the episode of the same name. Brian: Listen kid, there's- there's something I've been meaning to tell you. It's not easy for me to say. Stewie: Oh God, you're not coming out of the closet, are you? Oh God--why does everyone always come out to me? Brian: I just wanted to thank you for everything you did today. I know this whole trip has been a mess. Stewie: Well, it hasn't been all bad. I must admit, there have been some moments that were, dare I say fun? Brian and Stewie: ♪ We're off on the road to Rhode Island ♪ ♪ We're having the time of our lives ♪ Stewie: Take it, dog. Brian: ♪ We're quite a pair of partners, just like Thelma and Louise. 'Cept you're not six feet tall... ♪ Stewie: ♪ Yes, and your breasts don't reach your knees. ♪ Brian: Give it time. Brian and Stewie: ♪ We're off on the road to Rhode Island ♪ ♪ We're certainly going in style ♪ Brian: ♪ I'm with an intellectual who craps inside his pants ♪ Stewie: ♪ How dare you! At least I don't leave urine stains on all the household plants ♪ Brian: Oh, pee jokes. Brian and Stewie: ♪ We've travelled a bit and we've found ♪ ♪ Like a masochist in Newport, we're Rhode Island bound ♪ Brian: Crazy travel conditions, huh? Stewie: First class and no class. Brian: Whoa, careful with that joke, it's an antique. Brian and Stewie: ♪ We're off on the road to Rhode Island ♪ ♪ We're not gonna stop 'till we're there ♪ Brian: Maybe for a beer. Brian: ♪ Whatever dangers we may face, we'll never fear or cry ♪ Stewie: ♪ That's right, until we're syndicated, Fox will never let us die. Please? Brian and Stewie: ♪ We're off on the road to Rhode Island ♪ ♪ The home of that old campus swing ♪ Brian: ♪ We may pick up some college girls and picnic on the grass ♪ Stewie: ♪ Uhuhm, we'd tell you more, but we would have the censors on our ass ♪ Brian: Yikes! Brian and Stewie: ♪ We certainly do get around. ♪ ♪ Like a bunch of renegade pilgrims ♪ ♪ Who are thrown out of Plymouth Colony. ♪ ♪ We're Rhode Island bound. ♪ ♪ Or like a group of college freshmen ♪ ♪ who were rejected by Harvard and forced to go to Brown. ♪ ♪ We're Rhode Island bound... ♪ This House if Freakin' Sweet "This House is Freakin' Sweet!" is a song sung by Homer Simpson and Cherrywood Manor employees with voice accompaniment by the Simpsons in "Homer, Homer, Caviar Eater". The song is a parody of the song "I Think I'm Going to Like It Here" from the musical Annie. Servants: ♪We only live to kiss your ass♪ Sebastian: Kiss it? Hell, we'll even wipe it for you! Servants: ♪From here on in, it's Easy Street♪ Homer: Any bars on that street? Sebastian: 24 happy hours a day. Homer: Oh, boy! Servants: ♪We'll stop Jehovah's at the gate♪ Guard: Can I see that pamphlet, sir? Whacks Jehovah's Witness with the pamphlet and smiles. Homer: ♪My God, this house is freakin' sweet♪ Chef: ♪I make brunch, Clive cooks lunch, each and every day♪ Blake: ♪Chocolate cake, a la Blake♪ Homer: ♪Hundred bucks, Blake is gay♪ Servants: ♪We'll do the best we can with Lisa♪ Lisa: Are you implying I'm ugly? Servant: It doesn't matter, dear. You're rich now! Servants: ♪We'll do your nails and rub your feet♪ Marge: Oh that's not nece...oh my. Servants: ♪We'll do your homework every night♪ Bart: It's really hard. Sebastian: That's why we got that Stephen Hawking guy. Homer: ♪My God, this house is freakin' sweet!♪ ♪Used to pass lots of gas; Marge ran away♪ ♪Now we've got 30 rooms! Hello, beans. Goodbye, spray!♪ Servants: ♪We'd take a bullet just for you♪ Stewie: Oh, what a coincidence, I've got one. Marge: Stewie! Servants: ♪Prepare to suck that golden teat♪ ♪Now that you're stinking rich, we'll gladly be your bitch♪ Homer: ♪My God, this house is...♪ All: ♪freakin' sweet! Welcome!♪ Servant: That's a wrap, people. Now let's get the hell out of here. Homer: Wait a second, where you going? Servant: The old bag only paid us up through the song. Marge: Well, we can just pick up after ourselves. After all, we'll only be here on weekends. Homer: No no, Marge. It's time you started living like the queen you are. Homer: W...W...Wait, you guys! You guys, you're all hired to be full-time Simpsons servants. Marge: Homer, where are we going to get the money to pay all these people? Homer: Simple. I, eh, sold our house in Quahog. Marge: You sold our home?! Homer: Surprise! Marge: Homer, how could you? Homer: Whoops. ♪I recognize that tone. Tonight I sleep alone♪ All: ♪But still this house is freakin' sweet!♪ The Monorail Song Lyle Lanley: You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it. Homer: Heh-heh, mule. Lyle Lanley: The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest—Aw, it's not for you. It's more a Shelbyville idea. Mayor Adam West: Now, wait just a minute. We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it. Lyle Lanley: All right. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea. I give you the Quahog Monorail! (everyone gasps) I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and, by gum, it put them on the map! Well, sir, there's nothin' on Earth like a genuine bona-fide electrified six-car monorail! What'd I say? Flanders: Monorail! Lyle Lanley: What's it called? Patty and Selma: Monorail. Lyle Lanley: That's right! Monorail! Cast: Monorail...monorail...monorail... (continue over the following lyrics) Mr. Mackey: I hear those things are awfully loud, m'kay. Lyle Lanley: It glides as softly as a cloud, I'd say. Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend? Lyle Lanley: Not on your life, my Hindu friend. Barney: What about us brain-dead slobs? Lyle Lanley: You'll be given cushy jobs. Grampa Simpson: Were you sent here by the devil? Lyle Lanley: No, good sir, I'm on the level. Joe: The ring came off my pudding can. Lyle Lanley: Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear, it's Quahog's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice! All: Monorail... Lyle Lanley: What's it called? Monorail... Once again! MONORAIL! Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken. Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken! All: Monorail... Monorail!!!!!!!!! MONORAIL!! MONORAIL!!!!! Homer: Mono—D'oh! Chocolate Salty Balls "Chocolate Salty Balls" is a song sung by Chef from the Season Two episode, "Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls". Two tablespoons of cinnamon, and two or three egg whites, a half a stick of butter, melted. Stick it all in a bowl baby, stir it with a wooden spoon, mix in a cup of flour. You'll be in heaven soon. Say everybody have you seen my balls they're big and salty and brown. If you ever need a quick pick me up, just stick my balls in your mouth. OOH! Suck on my chocolate salty balls, stick 'em in your mouth and suck 'em. Suck on my chocolate salty balls, they're packed full of vitamins, and good for you, so suck on my balls. Pour in a cup of unsweetened chocolate, and a half a cup of brandy then throw in a bag or two of sugar, and just a pinch of vanilla, grease up the cookie sheet. 'Cause I hate when my balls stick! then preheat the oven to tree-fiddy, and give that spoon a lick! Say everybody have you seen my balls they're big and salty and brown. If you ever need a quick pick me up, just stick my balls in your mouth. Oh! Suck on my chocolate salty balls, put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em. Suck on my chocolate salty balls, they're packed full of goodness, and high in fiber, so suck on my balls. (sniff, sniff, sniff) Hey, wait a minute, what's that smell? It smells like something's burning. Well, that don't bother me none, as long as I get my rent paid on Friday. Baby, you better get back in the kitchen, cause I got a sneakn' suspicion. Oh man baby, baby, you just burnt my balls. My balls are on fire, come on, my balls are burning, gimme some water pour some water on 'em, o goodness, blow on them, do something Say everybody have you seen my balls they're big and salty and brown. (They're on fire baby) If you ever need a quick pick me up, just stick my balls in your mouth. OOH! Suck on my chocolate salty balls, put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em. (Put 'em out, blow on 'em.) suck on my balls baby, suck on my balls baby, suck on my red hot salty chocolate balls. Come on,baby, woo, woo, suck on my balls! (blow, blow, blow) Surfin' Bird "Surfin' Bird" is an American popular music song performed by the surf rock band The Trashmen. Released in the fall of 1963, the song reached No. 4 on the Billboard Hot 100 in January 1964. The song - a combination of two earlier songs by rhythm and blues group The Rivingtons, "Papa-Oom-Mow-Mow" and "The Bird's the Word" - became The Trashmen's only top 10 hit. A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird Bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, well, the bird is the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, well, the bird is the word A-well-a, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, well, the bird is the word A-well-a, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, don't you know about the bird Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word A-well-a, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird Bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, don't you know about the bird Well, everybody's talking about the bird A-well-a, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, bird (Suuuuuuuur-fiiiiiiin' Biiiiiiiiiiiiird) Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbadffasjdaiofjawcniszfjnisjnxcsijgszcf akjnzkgluxvdgncasnrdvgnuvdkzfcsnflvzkd◊gnvlshrzvdgckszlazbflnbxcgnf lsxudczxhagunhuighcuidufdzkxhdfckdsnzCIFlnmsnugnisdzvncxaaaaaaaaaa Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-ooma-mow-mow Papa-ooma-mow-mow Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow Ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow Oom-oom-oom-oom-ooma-mow-mow Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-oom-oom-oom Oom-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow Ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow Papa-a-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow Papa-ooma-mow-mow, ooma-mow-mow Papa-ooma-mow-mow, ooma-mow-mow Papa-oom-oom-oom-oom-ooma-mow-mow Oom-oom-oom-oom-ooma-mow-mow Ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow Papa-ooma-mow-mow, ooma-mow-mow Well, don't you know about the bird Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word A-well-a, bird, bird, b-bird's the word Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow... Gonna Buy Me a Rainbow Gonna Buy Me a Rainbow is a song performed by Lisa and the Simpsons multiple times in "Don't Make Me Over". It was their only #1 hit. Lisa: with soft accompaniment ♪ Cloudy skies and rain clouds ♪ ♪ Have come to stay ♪ ♪ Windy nights and sad sights won't go away ♪ Family: ♪ Sha-la-la-la-la ♪ Lisa: ♪ But I want to be without a care ♪ ♪ Unicorns and butterflies everywhere ♪ Family: driving rhythm kicks in ♪ Gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna ♪ ♪ Buy me a rainbow ♪ ♪ Gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna ♪ ♪ Wrap it up in a great big bow ♪ Lisa: ♪ The time is right, it's day not night ♪ ♪ Just open up your heart ♪ ♪ It'll be all right ♪ Family: ♪ Gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna buy me a ♪♪rainbow!♪ Lisa: ♪ Buy me a rainbow! ♪ Family: ♪ Rainbow! ♪ I Need a Jew "I Need a Jew" is a song performed by Homer Simpson that featured a cameo by Max Weinstein in "When You Wish Upon a Weinstein". After falling on hard financial times, Homer realizes he needs a good accountant to help get him out. He believes that Jews make the best accountants based on the thrifty Jewish stereotype. Homer: Nothing else has worked so far, So I'll wish upon a star, Wondrous dancing speck of light, I need a Jew... Marge makes me take the rap, Cause our checkbook looks like crap, Since I can't give her a slap, I need a Jew... Where to find A Baum or Stien or Stein To teach me how to whine And do my taxes... Though by many they're abhorred, Hebrew people I've adored, Even though they killed my lord, I need a Jew! Max: Hi, my name's Max Weinstein, my car just broke down, may I use your phone? Homer: Now my troubles are all through I have a Jew! Max: Hey! The FCC Song The FCC Song is a song sung by Homer, Brian, and Stewie Simpson in "PTV". The song describes what Homer thinks of the FCC. Not only were there new scenes for the sung lyrics of the song, but a montage of clips from past episodes were shown as well, each one a scene that would be censored by the FCC. The song was later mentioned in the extended musical section of "Brian & Stewie", but there wasn't any time to show it because of Stewie's little rant about how the FCC actually liked the parody of them. Marge: The Side-Boob Hour? Homer that's it. I asked you to stop this, and you didn't listen to me. I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice. I've called the FCC. Homer: Oh yeah, I know all about the FCC! ♪♪ They will clean up all your talking in a manner such as this ♪♪ Brian: ♪♪ They will make you take a tinkle when you want to take a piss ♪♪ Stewie: ♪♪ And they'll make you call fellatio a trouser-friendly kiss ♪♪ Homer, Brian, & Stewie: ♪♪ It's the plain situation! There's no negotiation! ♪♪ Homer: ♪♪ With the fellas at the freakin' FCC! ♪♪ Brian: ♪♪ They're as stuffy as the stuffiest of special interest groups... ♪♪ Homer: ♪♪ Make a joke about your bowels and they order in the troops ♪♪ Stewie: ♪♪ Any baby with a brain could tell them everybody poops! ♪♪ Homer, Brian, & Stewie: ♪♪ Take a tip, take a lesson! You'll never win by messin ♪♪ Homer: ♪♪ With the fellas at the freakin' FCC. ♪♪ ♪♪ And if you find yourself with some young sexy thing ♪♪ ♪♪ You're gonna have to do her with your ding-a-ling, ♪♪ ♪♪ Cause you can't say penis! ♪♪ ♪♪ So they sent this little warning they're prepared to do their worst ♪♪ Brian: ♪♪ And they stuck it in your mailbox hoping you could be coerced ♪♪ Stewie: ♪♪ I can think of quite another place they should have stuck it first! ♪♪ Homer, Brian, & Stewie: ♪♪ They may just be neurotic or possibly psychotic ♪♪ ♪♪ They're the fellas at the freakin' FCC! ♪♪ I Love to Walk I Love to Walk is a song sung mainly by Homer in the episode "Brake My Wife, Please". It is a parody of the song "Talk to the Animals" from the 1967 movie Doctor Doolittle. Quagmire: Mornin', Homer. Looking good. Cleveland: Yeah, walking's made a new man outta you. Joe: Gotta agree, man. You look great. Homer: Sure I do. You see this bulge back here? Now it actually is a fanny pack! (grabs hold of it) No, wait it's still my ass. But your point is well taken. You see... I like to walk down the avenue, Bust a move with Disco Stu. Disco Stu: You shake me from my booty To my 'fro. Homer: Yes, I strut down the boulevard, Burning off my excess lard. I rarely feel the need to utter "d'oh". Top of the mornin', ladies. Patty and Selma: Screw you. Homer: I can walk from Quahog to Alaska, Then hobknob with the stars in Malibu. Steve Buscemi: Hi, Homer, I'm actor Steve Buscemi. Homer: The guy who got fed into the wood chipper in Fargo?! And when I hear... Turkmenistanians: You can't walk to Turkmenistan. Homer: I say, "Of course I can! Fuck you!" Steve Buscemi: Hey, would you guys like tickets to the Independent Film Awards? Turkmenistanians: Would we? Homer: Oh, I love to perambulate, It's standing still I really hate. So let me please reiterate: I love to— (gets hit by a car) D'OOOOOOOHHHH!! (Marge gasps) Oh, my feet are inside me. A Vote for a Winner A Vote for a Winner is an Emmy-nominated song sung by Lisa in the episode The President Wore Pearls. The music was written by Alf Clausen and the lyrics by Dana Gould.It was nominated for a Primetime Emmy award for Outstanding Individual Achievement in Music and Lyrics in 2004. It lost to the song "Because You are Beautiful" from the TV special World VDAY. Lisa: And we deserve a French teacher who actually speaks French! J'accuse, Monsieur Cusperberg! Mr. Cusperberg: What is she yakkin' about? Lisa: I rest my case. Principal Skinner: Nelson, rebuttal? Nelson: Yo, everyone, it's me, Nelson! Students: YAAAY! NELSON! NELSON! NELSON! NELSON! Lisa: I'm not that cool, I don't wear jeans. I've polished an apple or two. But every shit I took, I took it for you. So call me bookworm, But I'll never squirm When there's work to be done. Yes, I'll take my lunch at my desk While you're all outside having fun. Don't vote for me, kids of Quahog, Unless you want an effective leader. I'll talk to teachers, I'll handle Skinner, A vote for Lisa Makes you the winner! Students: Vote Lisa! Vote Lisa! Vote Lisa! It's A Wonderful Day for Pie It’s A Wonderful Day for Pie is an Emmy-winning musical number performed by the entire cast of The Simpsons Guy in a Disney-style universe in "Road to the Multiverse". Marge: Oh, Stewie and Brian, you're just in time for pie. Homer: Did somebody say "pie?" ♪♪ It's a wonderful day for pie ♪♪ ♪♪ You can ask all the birds in the sky ♪♪ ♪♪ And they'll tell you real sweet, with a musical tweet ♪♪ Quagmire: ♪♪ It's a wonderful day for pie! ♪♪ Lisa and Bart: ♪♪ For Pie ♪♪ Mr. Burns: ♪♪ For Pie ♪♪ Apu: ♪♪ For Pie ♪♪ Joe: ♪♪ For Pie ♪♪ Stewie: This is wonderful, Brian! Oh, let's live in this universe. Brian: Gosh, it's pretty intoxicating, isn't it? Stewie: I want to hear more music about pie! Homer: ♪♪ It's a wonderful day for pie... ♪♪ Cleveland: ♪♪ ...and it smells a lot better than I ♪♪ Joe: laughs Adam West: ♪♪ Everyone in the house... ♪♪ Homer: ♪♪ ...and this Adam West mouse... ♪♪ Barbershop Quartet: ♪♪ ...the bees making honey... ♪♪ Tom Tucker: ♪♪ ...this Tom Tucker bunny... ♪♪ All: ♪♪ ...we all sing with glee, 'cause we all agree ♪♪ ♪♪ It's a wonderful, wonderful day for pie! ♪♪ All I Really Want for Christmas All I Really Want For Christmas was a song sung by the Simpsons family and much of The Simpsons Guy cast. Although it was not originally in any Family Guy episode, it was finally performed in "Road to the North Pole". An instrumental version was heard when the Quahog residents received their presents the Christmas after most of the episode's events take place. Road to the North Pole Version Homer: Jessica Biel and Megan Fox Wearing nothing but their socks Is all I really want for Christmas this year. Brian: Well, that's just not practical. Marge: Spending a week in Mexico With some black guys and some blow Is all I really want for Christmas this year. Homer: Aw, that sounds terrific. How about you, kids? Bart: I would like a pair of slides, Then I'd go out sliding! But I really don't know how to slide. Ha-ha! Lisa: I want a pony dressed in pink. And a dad who doesn't drink. Homer: Oh, and that reminds me, twelve kegs of beer. The Simpsons (except Brian): All these happy wishes And lots of Christmas cheer Is all I really want this year. Brian: Santa's got his work cut out for him. Homer: Oh, we ain't even gotten started yet. Marge: I wanna tour the Spanish coast... Homer: Lunch with Michael Landon's ghost... Homer and Marge: Is all I really want for Christmas this year. Marge: Wait, what? Homer: Forget it. Keep going. Bart: Jennifer Garner in my bed... Lisa: Softer voices in my head... Bart and Lisa: Is all we really want for Christmas this year. Stewie: Yellow cake uranium. Never mind the reason. Also Chutes and Ladders and a ball. laughs Brian: Doesn't this seem like too much stuff? Homer: You shut up! It's not enough! Stewie: Buddy boy, I got your Christmas right here. his crotch The Simpsons: All these happy wishes And lots of Christmas cheer Is all I really want this year. Brian: I'm just saying it seems a bit excessive. Marge: Oh, get off your soapbox, Brian, it's Christmas. Homer: And Christmas is about getting. Everyone in Quahog knows that. Quagmire: Japanese girls with no restraint Just to choke me till I faint Is all I really want for Christmas this year. Ooh, giggity! Bonnie: Platinum-plated silverware... Joe: Just one day when kids don't stare... Bonnie and Joe: Is all we really want for Christmas this year. Flanders: If you put a Christmas tree In the public airport, I will go to court and sue your ass! Happy holiday! Mayor Adam West: Wouldn't I love a Tinkertoy? Principal Skinner: And for this school to be a joy! Herbert: And a little drummer boy. He can either tap his drum or my rear. Mayor Adam West, Principal Skinner, Herbert and Mort: All these happy wishes And lots of Christmas cheer Is all we really want this year. Grandpa Simpson: I really want to watch Iron Man. Apu: And I want them to say "I'll Come again!" Grandpa Simpson and Apu: All these happy wishes And lots of Christmas cheer Is all we really want this year. Krusty: I want people to stop bothering me with autographs! Itchy and Scratchy: And we don't want to watch Zach Braff! Krusty, Itchy and Scratchy: It's all we really for Christmas this year! Tom Tucker: I want a golden mustache comb. Diane Simmons: And some spermicidal foam. Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons: That's all we really want for Christmas this year. Mr. Burns: I want a brand new pitching wedge. Smithers: I wish I wasn't on the edge Consuela: And I would like more Lemon Pledge. Mr. Burns, Smithers and Consuela: That's all we really want for Christmas this year. Moe: I wanted them to pay for the beer. Barney: And I didn't want to burp when I'm near. burps Moe and Barney: That's all we really want for Christmas this year. Bruce: I just want a wedding ring From someone named Jeffrey. Jillian: I just want some colored Easter eggs. Patty and Selma: Some more cigars so we can go high. Moleman: This Christmas I don't wanna die! Comic Book Guy: I want a Blu-ray of The Wiz. Tomik: We don't know what "Christmas" is. Bellgarde: We have something else called "Kishgev Fufleer". Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Stewie, Snowball II, Quagmire, Joe, Bonnie, Susie, Flanders, Rodd, Todd, Herbert, Adam West, Principal Skinner, Agnes Skinner, Gary Chalmers, Grandpa Simpson, Apu, Manjula, Krusty, Itchy, Scratchy, Sideshow Mel, Tom Tucker, Diane Simmons, Ollie Williams, Tricia Takanawa, Mr. Burns, Smithers, Consuela, Moe, Barney, Jerome, Jillian, Patty, Selma, Moleman, Comic Book Guy, Tomik, Bellgarde, Doctor Hibbert, Doctor Nicky, Seamus Levine, Duffman, Ernie the Giant Chicken, Death, Greased Up Deaf Guy, Kool Aid Man (except Brian): All these happy wishes And lots of Christmas cheer Is all I really want this year. Reprise Choir: We can get out of any mess If we learn to live with less. And with Santa's love, there's nothing to fear. All these happy wishes And lots of Christmas cheer Is all I really want... This... YEAR!!!!!!! AH-AH-AH-AH-AH-AH! AH-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Christmas Time is Killing Us Christmas Time is Killing Us is an Emmy-nominated song from "Road to the North Pole". In it, Santa Claus and his elves complain about the hardships of working every day until Christmas Eve making presents and receiving all of the kids' wishlists, and how it's made Santa ill and the elves mutated. Santa: Each bell would peal with a silvery zeal As the holiday feeling was filling us. But now instead, all we're feeling is dread Because Christmastime is killing us! Elves: Each Christmas list gets us more and more pissed Till the thought of existence is chilling us. Santa: I'll tell you what. Shove your list up your butt, because... Santa and Elves: Christmastime is killing us! Stewie: But can't you see that what you do Is a dream come true? Can't you see that every smile Makes it all worthwhile? Santa: No, fuck you! It's all but through, There's too much to do. All those dreams are nightmares And blank, icy stares. Each little elf used to fill up a shelf Making playthings and selflessly thrilling us. Now they're on crack and it feels like Iraq Because Christmastime is killing us! Elves: Each model train only heightens the pain Of the workload that's straining and drilling us. Santa: Fingers all bleed. And look! That guy just peed Because Christmas time is killing us! Stewie: But can't you see our point of view? We rely on you. Can't you see that Christmas cheer Gets us through the year? Santa: My whole crew is black and blue. Can't you take a clue? You may think I look great, But I'm twenty-eight! Santa and Elves: Each jingle-bell is a requiem knell, And while you think it's swell, we are toiling in Hell! Santa: Take a look, you can tell, as a man, I'm a shell! Santa and Elves: Because Christmastime is killing us! Killing us! Christmas time is killing us! Down Syndrome Girl Down's Syndrome Girl is an musical number sung by Stewie to Bart in order to prepare for his date with Ellen in "Extra Large Medium". You've got to look your best tonight, You tubby little parasite, 'Cause there's a lovely lady and she's waiting for you. And though her pretty face may seem A special person's wettest dream Before you get to see it there are things you must do. We'll try a tie and boutonniere of yellow Or a rose that shows that you're a classy fellow With the posh panache of Jefferson at Monticello Busting out a mile with style. I know you just can't wait to stare At all that luscious orange hair But, boy, before you touch a single curl, You must impress that ultra bloomin', All-consumin', poorly groomin' Down's Syndrome girl. On any normal day you reek As if you're on a farting streak. Your finger's up your nose And you are dripping with drool. But if you want a lady's love, You're better off by smelling of A gentleman's cologne instead of sneakers and stool. A squirt, a spurt Of something just for Ellen And you'll see, that she Will find you so compellin' And she does, because The only smell that she'll be smellin' Won't be coming from your bum. You wanna take that little whore And spin her on the dancing floor, But boy, before you do a single twirl, You must impress that effervescing, Self-possessing, no BS-ing Down's Syndrome girl. Her eyes are emerald portals To a secret land of love And her smile is like the sweetest summer flower. Her kiss is so inviting And her hugs are so delighting, And what makes them really nice Is that they've got a little spice, Because they're tighter than a vise And they go on for an hour. and Bart tap dance My boy, between the two of us, We'll get you on that shorty bus And then you're gonna take it for a whirl. Now go impress that super-thrilling, Wish-fulfilling, Yoo-Hoo spilling, Ultra-swinging, boner-bringing, Gaily singing, dingalinging, Stupefying, fortifying, As of Monday, shoelace tying, Stimulating, titillating, Kitty-cat impersonating, Mega-rocking, pillow-talking, Just a little crooked walking, Coyly pouting, booby-sprouting: For some reason always shouting, Fascinating, captivating, Happiness and joy creating... shatters Down's Syndrome Giiiiiiiirl!!! Iraq Lobster Iraq Lobster is a parody of "Rock Lobster" sung by Homer Simpson in "Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q." when he claims that Brenda Quagmire's boyfriend Jeff is as scary as an Iraq lobster. Death to America And butter sauce Don't boil me I'm still alive Iraq Lobster A Chorus of Wieners "A Chorus of Wieners" is a parody of the theme song from the cable TV show Game of Thrones, sang by the Barbershop Quartet at George R. R. Martin's house. wiener wiener, wiener wiener (continues in background) One wiener, next to another wiener wiener wiener, wiener wiener (continues in background) Two wieners alongside yet another wiener wiener party, wiener party, party party, wiener party, wiener wiener (continues in background) Soft wieners, nice and soft, non-erect wieners! them flopping, flopping wieners, floppy floppy, dangle wieners, dangle dangle (continues in background) Five wieners in my face. Milhouse's Mom's a Bitch "Milhouse's Mom's a Bitch" is a song featured in the Season Two episode "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo" and in the The Simpsons Movie. Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo O-ho. Weeeeeeeeeellll Milhouse's mom is a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world She's a stupid bitch, If there ever was a bitch, She's a bitch to all the boys and girls. Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch Then on Sunday, just to be different, she's a super King Kamehameha bi-atch! Have you ever met my friend Milhouse's' Mom She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. She's a mean ole bitch 'cause she has stupid hair, she a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch she's a stupid bitch! Milhouse's mom's a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch! Milhouse's mom is a BI-I-I-ITCH aahh. The Simpsons Movie Weeeeeeeeeellll Milhouse's mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world She a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch, She's a bitch to all the boys and girls. On Monday she's a bitch, On Tuesday she's a bitch, On Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch Then on Sunday, just to be different, She's a super King Kamehameha biyotch! Come on! You all know the words! Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. She's a mean ole bitch, and she has stupid hair. She's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch She's a stupid bitch! (Whoa!) Milhouse's mom's a bitch And she's such a dirty bitch! (Bitch!) Talk to kids around the world, And it might go a little bit something like this: (Chinese) 凱子的媽媽是個潑婦, 她是基佬秘術大師, 我只想説, 摸了被她變潑婦! Kǎizi de māmā shìgè pōfù, tā shì jī lǎo mìshù dàshī, wǒ zhǐ xiǎng shuō, mōle bèi tā biàn pōfù! (French) Elle est la plus grande chienne dans le monde entier, (Dutch) Ze is een stom kutwijf, als er iemand een kutwijf was, (Swahili) Yeye ni Bitch yote ya wavulana na wasichana. Have you ever met my friend Milhouse's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. She's a mean ole bitch, and she has stupid hair. She's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. She's a stupid bitch! Milhouse's mom's a bitch And she's such a dirty bitch! I really mean it. Milhouse's mom, she's a big fat fucking bitch! Big ole fat fucking bitch, Milhouse's mom! Yeah, Chaaaa! It's Easy Mm'kay! "It's Easy, Mm'kay" is a song featured in the movie The Simpsons Movie. It was sung by Mr. Mackey and the 3rd and 4th grades' children of Quahog Elementary School. Mr. Mackey: There are times when you get suckered in, By drugs and alcohol and sex with women, mm'kay. But it's when you do these things too much, That you've become an addict and must get back in touch... You can do it, it's all up to you, mm'kay, With a little plan you can change your life today! You don't have to spend your life addicted to smack, Homeless on the streets giving handjobs for crack, Follow my plan and very soon you will say, it's easy mm'kay! Step 1: Instead of ass say buns, like "kiss my buns" or "you're a buns hole"! Step 2: Instead of shit say poo, as in "bull poo", "poo head" and this "poo is cold". Step 3: With bitch drop the 't' because bich is Latin for generosity! Step 4: Don't say fuck anymore 'cause fuck is the worst word that you can say, so just use the word mm'kay! Children: We can do it it's all up to us, mm'kay, Mr. Mackey: (mm'kay) Children: With a little plan we can change our lives today! Mr. Mackey: (You can change it today) Everyone: We don't have to spend our lives shooting up in the trash, Homeless on the streets giving handjobs for cash, Follow this plan and very soon you will say, It's easy, mm'kay! Mr. Mackey: Step 1... Bart: Instead of ass say "buns", Milhouse: Like "kiss my buns", Database: or "you're a buns hole"! Mr. Mackey: Step 2... Lisa, Nelson, and Wendell: Instead of shit say poo, Sherri: As in bull poo, Terry: "Poo head", Allison: And "this poo is cold"! Mr. Mackey: Step 3... Boys: With bitch drop the 't', Girls: Because bich is Latin for generosity! Mr. Mackey: Step 4... Children: Don't say "fuck" anymore, Everyone: Because "fuck" is the worst word that you can say, Children: Fuck is the worst word that you can say! We shouldn't say fuck, No, we shouldn't say fuck, fuck no! Mr. Mackey: You're cured, you can go! Everyone: We don't have to spend our lives shooting up in the trash, Homeless on the streets giving handjobs for cash, Follow this plan and very soon you will say, It's easy, mm'kay! Children: It's easy, mm'kay! Mr. Mackey: It's easy mm'kay! Children: It's easy, mm'kay! Mr. Mackey: It's easy mm'kay!!! Children: It's easy, mm'... It's easy, m'... It's easy, m'... It's easy, m'kay! Iraq Lobster